


I'm Not The Best With Words

by Be_more_Hansen



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Alcohol, Angry Gays, Angst, Connor Lives, Evan has high functioning anxiety, Everybody Lives, Gay, Jared is less of an asshole but still an asshole, M/M, Multi, Underage Drinking, and mutism, highschool, lowkey vent writing, trans-Jared
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2018-12-31 20:02:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12140055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Be_more_Hansen/pseuds/Be_more_Hansen
Summary: Can Connor and Jared put aside their history to help Evan with their art project?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Connor's POV

I took a seat in the back left corner of the art room, dropping my bag lazily on my desk and using it as a pillow. It was only the second hour of the first day and I already felt like skipping, but I had promised my mom that I wouldn’t miss any more days.  
The kids in this class were talking, laughing about their summer vacation. Mine was actually pretty good, but it wasn’t something I’d tell other people about. And nobody in this class even likes me. I scanned the classroom and saw a certain four eyed boy take a seat in the second row.  
Jared Kleinman  
I groaned and threw my head back onto my “pillow”, praying that he hadn’t already noticed me in here. Obviously he’d be taking art, we had signed up for almost all of the same classes, that was a bad idea. I allowed myself to actually listen in on the conversations going on in the room and my ears automatically picked up on Jared’s. He was talking very quietly to somebody who had sat down next to him but I didn’t bother to lift up my head and see.  
“Ev, Evan...Evan if you need me to text your mom just ask.”  
Evan? I remembered Jared talking about him, sometimes ditching me to stay at his house a couple nights. I also remembered being jealous  
“N-no, Jared. I’m fine. I’ll be fine, it’s only been an hour.”  
He sounded scared..?  
“Did you forget your headphones?”  
“...”  
“Here…”  
I tuned out again and looked to the front of the room as I heard the door shut and business shoes hitting the linoleum.  
“Good morning, class! I’m Mrs. Beck, your teacher for AP art. If this isn’t the correct class please leave, I don’t quite enjoy freshman staying in this class for 2 weeks and then telling me they aren’t supposed to be here.”  
A chuckle rippled through the class  
“Now, let me hand out the syllabus.”  
She shuffled through a stack of papers sitting on her desk and started passing them out through the rows. I quietly grabbed mine and flipped past the pages of rules that all other class syllabi had.  
“Year Long Portrait Project” was the first thing that my eyes caught.  
“You can skip the mandatory rules and go straight to the first/last project. The year long portrait project! The seniors from last year may have already told you about this but for those who don’t know, I’ll explain.”  
She shifted from her chair to sitting on the front of her desk, a few extra papers in her hand  
“I’ll pair you up with somebody but…” her eyes wandered the classroom “since we have an odd amount of students there will be one group of three.” she went back to looking at the spare syllabus she had in her hand.  
“Basically, you sketch the face of your partner everyday in whatever style you want. Coloring is optional but you can get a couple extra credit points for it. The sketches don’t have to be detailed but since you are in AP art I expect you to be able to draw something that somewhat resembles a human’s face. The purpose of this is to see how your art skills evolve and also how your subject evolves throughout the year. My favorite thing is to see the eye bags slowly form in the seniors’ eyes throughout the year.”  
Another chuckle rippled through, even one from me. Although I already did have some pretty severe bags under my eyes.  
She continued talking about all of the other projects and exams we’d have throughout the year and I tried to follow along in the syllabus but I soon got bored and began doodling on the packet instead. I couldn’t stop thinking about that last time I had seen Jared...it felt like so long ago but in reality it was only 2 weeks ago.

Flashback 3rd Person  
“At least your parents talk to each other. I can’t remember the last time I saw my mom and dad in the same room.” Jared complained, leaning further back in his LaZBoy.  
“Psh, don’t call them ‘my parents’, dude. I have my mom and an asshole whom my mom decided to let into her life.” Connor replied, taking a sip of whatever alcoholic drink Jared decided to put in his cup.  
“Do you miss him?” Jared asked randomly  
“Jesus Christ, Jared! I’m not drunk enough to talk about this yet…” Connor chugged down whatever he had left in his cup and then flung it towards Jared and his chair (which was on the brink of tipping over)  
“And since when did you care about me and my ‘daddy issues’ anyways?”  
“I don’t know. Just want to know more about that part of you, I guess.”  
“Well maybe you should step off?”  
Jared fell silent and sat backup, grabbing the cup laying at his feet.  
“I’m sorry.” He grabbed the bottle sitting on the coffee table and poured it’s contents into the cup and motioned for Connor to grab it.  
“It’s fine.” Connor took the cup from his grasp and sipped it thoughtfully  
“It’s really not though, is it? Jesus, why do I always do this?” He groaned  
“Maybe you’re too drunk for this?” Connor lifted an eyebrow  
“Maybe I’m a shit person…” Jared placed his head on his palms  
“Hey, dude,” Connor tapped his shoulder, looking into his eyes as he brought his head up, “you’re a great person. Stop beating yourself up, it was an honest mistake.”  
Jared shrugged his arm off and smiled, staring intently into Connor’s eyes.  
The two boys were sat in Connor’s basement, the only thing lighting the room was the TV screen paused on a round of Street Fighter. The two had stopped to drink more and seemed to have forgotten about the game all together. It was Connor’s responsibility to bring another type of substance to get them both very not sober, but he had forgotten. Luckily Jared’s parents were never around and never locked the liquor cabinet so he haphazardly grabbed a bottle of whatever looked strong before he made his way to Connor’s.  
Connor dragged himself along the floor and sat himself down at Jared’s feet, laying his head against his legs.  
“I like it when you sit on the floor. Makes me feel less short.”  
Connor snickered  
“Hi, I’m Jared and I’m 5’6.” Connor teased  
“Hi, I’m Connor and I’m too edgy 5 you.” Jared shot back  
“You do know ‘Kleinman’ translates to ‘small man’, right?”  
“You do know ‘Connor’ translates to ‘asshat’, right?”  
Connor slapped Jared’s leg and Jared kicked him in return.  
“My names Connor and I’m the gayest emo you’ll ever meet.”  
“Only for you…”  
His voice trailed as he waited for Jared to laugh in return, but he didn’t. Their faces began to burn as they both realized what Connor said  
“I- I mean-”  
“Do you actually?”  
“...”  
Connor looked back at him stunned, knowing that if he said anything now it would be taken the wrong way but if he didn’t say anything at all Jared would know what he was thinking. So instead, Jared stood up and walked away, ignoring the calls from Connor.

Present 1st Person  
I shook myself awake and noticed the people around me beginning to move around and pair up. I guess I was already too late because everybody had already found a partner.  
“Uh, Connor?”  
I looked over to a certain Evan Hansen a couple rows ahead of me  
“Y-you could join me and Jared i-if you want.”  
“No it’s fine. I’ll-”  
“Has everybody gotten together?” Mrs. Beck cut in. I decided not to protest and quietly slid myself next to Evan, avoiding eye contact with Jared. This had to be Jared’s idea.  
“Great! These will be your partners for the rest of the year, so get comfortable.” I groaned internally and mentally punished myself for agreeing.  
This was going to be a long year. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan's POV

 

 

  
“D-d-do you think…” My voice trailed off as I looked toward the back of the class, my eyes catching a rather dozed off Connor Murphy.  
“Hm?” Jared piped up, following my gaze but soon realizing what I was doing.  
“Connor Murphy?”  
“Yeah? What about him?”  
“He could join us…” Once the words left my lips I knew it was a stupid idea and I braced myself for the comments Jared was bound to make  
 _“Connor Murphy? You still wanna get in his pants?”_  
 _“He won’t actually like you back, Evan. He still likes me.”_  
 _“Like he actually even knows who you are.”_  
Jared tapped my shoulder  
“Did you hear me?”  
“Oh-uh-no.”  
“I said ‘that’s fine with me.” He gave me a reassuring smile and turned back to examining the syllabus. The other students around the classroom had already paired up with each other.   
“Uh, Connor?”  
He seemed to have snapped back into reality and turned to look at me, face still emotionless but somewhat...disappointed  
“Y-you could join me and Jared i-if you want.”  
He shook his head and began his decline but was soon interrupted by Mrs. Beck. I could see him sigh as he lifted his stuff and sat down next to me. He brushed the hair out of his face and began picking at the polish on his nails.  
Mrs. Beck continued talking about all of the other projects but was soon interrupted by the bell. I began packing up my stuff and opened my mouth to say something to Connor, but by the time I lifted my head to look at him he was gone and out of the classroom.  
I felt Jared’s hand on my shoulder and I slumped down, sighing  
“He just doesn’t like me, not you. You’re alright.” I gave him a small, worried, smile and he smiled back and led me out of the classroom.  
I popped Jared’s earbuds in and started playing my music. I didn’t actually pay attention to the words or anything, I just needed something to drown out the overwhelming sound of the hallways. I followed Jared through the winding hallways until I reached my locker, where we silently departed. I don’t think he even noticed me walking with him since both of us weren’t talking.  
I replaced my books and started to my next class, then I saw Connor. He was waiting outside the bathroom, fiddling with the wire of his own earbuds. I hesitantly walked over and tried to grab his attention. His mind looked elsewhere  
“Th-thanks for joining me and J-jared.” I stutter as I pull out my left earbud. Connor looked down at me and smiled softly  
“I-I know y-you and Jared ar-aren’t on be-best terms.”  
“Oh, yeah...no it’s fine. Nothing to be bothered by.”  
He stops smiling and enters the bathroom without a goodbye. I step back into the flow of students in the hallway and go to my classroom, clutching my books as close to my chest as possible.   
\---

I suffered through 4 more classes (and lunch) until I found myself sitting outside the school with Jared, waiting idly at a picnic table for Connor. He was either at his locker or completely blew us off. But I had somehow managed to invite him to a coffee shop after school while we were sitting alone in the hallways at lunch, I hadn’t noticed how few friends Connor had.  
I knew Connor was in the party scene, that’s basically how him and Jared met. Yeah, Jared would go to parties a lot when I was being annoying / when I wasn’t talking and then one day he comes to me talking about Connor. I was kind of excited, I mean, I’ve had a crush on him since 8th grade so yeah...it was kind of a big deal that my best friend would talk about me around him sometimes.

“Hey…” Jared waves across the courtyard to a very tired looking Connor. Connor doesn’t seem to react and simply stands in front of the table  
“Jared, Evan…” He looks at us expectantly until I realize that we made _actual_ plans with the _actual_ Connor Murphy.  
“Where are we going exactly?” Jared asks as he picks up his bag from the table  
“Um...I-I think it’s called ‘Affogato’? I went a couple times w-with my mom th-this summer...th-they do coffee and ic-ice cream an-and stuff.”  
I picked up my bags as well and guided them to my car (Jared was the one who drove it but it was still technically mine). Jared hopped into the driver’s seat and Connor reluctantly took the back seat  
“I-if you f-feel cr-cramped or so-something, y-you can s-sit u-up here.” Connor looked over at Jared and waved his hand  
“I’m fine back here.”  
He placed his bag next to him and buckled, I followed suit, placing my bag on the floor and pushing my seat forward a bit to give Connor as much space as possible.   
Jared starts up the car with a disapproving frown as it seems reluctant to. I plug my phone into the aux cord and play whatever music spotify had recommended for me. It was something by the Front Bottoms, not the first time I had heard it.  
“Wow, and I thought Connor was the emo one.”  
“Piss off, Kleinman.”  
I couldn’t tell if their tone was serious or not. Jared had a slight smirk but Connor? I think I’d classify it as a scowl...yeah that was totally a scowl.  
“Left or Right?”  
“R-right.”  
Jared eases onto the road and notices my tenseness. He looks over to me and smiles, I try and smile back but I’m pretty sure I just look like an idiot.  
“What are you guys, married or something?”  
“Like you’d know what a marriage looks like.” Jared snorts  
“Way too fucking far, asshole.”  
“How am I the asshole here? Jesus, I can’t make jo-”  
I place my hand on his arm and signal him to stop  
“S-sorry, Evan...Is this the place?”  
I look over to where he’s pointing and hum in approval.   
“A-are you?”  
“No, I-I’m fine.”  
He pulls into the parking lot but still gives me a concerned look.  
“I’m _fine_ , Jared.”  
Confusion is plastered onto Connor’s face until he notices me staring, then it turns back into a neutral/pissed off frown. Jared parks his car in front of the building and cuts the engine. I grab my bag from off the floor and open the door, waiting outside of the car for my other friends to join me. Soon we’re all walking to the door, me stuck between Connor and Jared. The awkward/angry tension going on is almost suffocating.

“Do you know what you’re going to get, Evan?” Connor asks me as we stand in front of the menu. Jared was sitting in a booth near the back of the shop, on the other side of the building  
“I-I think a...chai..?”  
Connor looks at me like I had just spoken in a different language  
“O-Or a h-hot chocolate! I don’t know…”  
“It’s fine if you don’t know, Ev.”  
Ev, that’s something only Jared or my mom calls me...I don’t know how I feel about Connor saying it… but it felt...nice?  
Soon enough Connor is stepping up to the counter and ordering something that I’ve tried to pronounce but just gave up halfway. And then...it’s me. I ponder writing down my order and just giving it to the barista but then I realized how stupid that would make me look, so I just opt. to standing there awkwardly until the barista is awkwardly smiling at me. I take a deep breath and walk forward  
“What can I get for you?” she says with a smile  
“U-Um, I’ll have the i-iced chai?”  
“Alright.”  
She writes down on a sticky note and starts pushing numbers in the register. I fumble with my wallet as I grab the 5 dollar bill and hand it to her with a shaky smile.

She tells me that she’ll bring the drink to our table and I walk back towards Jared and Connor, who were talking in very hushed tones until they saw me approaching. I set my bag under the table and scoot next to Jared, placing my head on the table and groaning internally.  
“Wanna get started with the drawings?” Jared asks me, placing a hand on my back and circling his thumb.  
“Sure…” I mumble and sat back up, grabbing my sketchbook from my backpack. I can see Connor eyeing Jared with an emotion I can only describe as envy.  
He still likes him  
Is the only thing that can describe that look. He’s jealous of me? But of course Jared doesn’t like me the way Connor likes Jared...Jared doesn’t even like Connor that way…  
I don’t notice my frustration/confusion until Jared taps my arms.  
“Are you sure you’re fine?”  
“Yes, Jared! I-” I notice his face drop upon hearing me yell, “I’m...fine…” I flip open to a blank page and look over to Connor  
“Am I supposed to draw both of you on the same paper or something?”  
“I suppose.”  
Connor replies cockily, opening his sketchbook as well. We all begin our work in silence, looking up and staring at each other once in awhile. I become exceptionally red when Connor stares at me for what felt like a whole eternity, he totally noticed.  
The barista comes by with our drinks and Jared makes a stupid joke that makes us all laugh and everything felt fine...everything felt okay and that’s all that really matters


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is lowkey loves getting wasted also like remember he's trans please

“Can you bring Ev home now, Jared? I’m worried he’ll be too tired out by the end of the week.” Heidi says to me on the phone. Me and Evan were sat in my basement sketching each other. Connor was ‘busy’ and opted to sending Evan a stupid selfie. He still didn’t like talking to me…

“Yeah I can drive him home, we’re just finishing up our art project.”

“Alright, just bring him home before 10.” I hummed in approval and went to go hang up the phone before

“Oh, Jared...if your parents aren’t home or anything you can come over tonight as well...they’re always out of town so it must get lonely.”

“I’m fine, Ms. Hansen, you really don’t have to worry.”

“Okaayy...well, if you need anything just call.”

I hung up the phone and looked over to Evan, who was furiously sharpening his pencil until he noticed me staring

“Alright, we gotta wrap this up so I can drive you home.”   
“I c-can drive myself, you know.”

“I’m fully aware of that, I just like driving your car. Much more reliable than mine.”

“Why do you even d-drive  _ my  _ car? You always end up walking home and c-complaining.”

“So I can tell my mom I’m getting some sort of exercise.”

I give him a wink and he chuckles

“You talk to your parents about... _ stuff _ ?”

“ ‘ _ stuff’  _ ?”

I ask with air quotes

“Y’know... _ Jared  _ and all that?”

“Ew gross, no way. If I do that they might actually start caring about me. I’m fine with them not knowing anything at all.”

Evan gives me a concerned look but that turns back to his work, packing up all of his stuff. I know that my parents don’t actually care about me and  _ he  _ knows that my parents don’t actually care about me, so he’s always there...most of the time. Before me and Connor stopped talking he kinda left me alone, he must’ve thought I was ignoring him because, well… because he’s Evan and he just does that. But after I stopped talking to Connor, Evan was always there, never left my side, didn’t let me go home without somebody there...I guess I did get pretty bad.

I start walking upstairs as Evan starts to put his shoes back on, his face was tired.

“Are you doing anything this weekend?” I ask him as we reach the first floor

“Um...not really? I mean, Connor wanted to meet up with me at some point.”

“Oh…”   
“B-but you can join us! I don’t th-think he meant  _ just  _ me!”

“No, no it’s honestly fine. I get it if he doesn’t wanna see me. Duh, he has every right to!”

“I-I just don’t wa-”

“I’m fine by myself, Evan. Truly. It would be kind of a relief.”

We make our way into the car until I realize what I had said

“By relief I didn’t mean tha-”

“No, Jared. I get what you meant…”

He buckles himself into his seat and hugs his backpack to his chest

_ Fuck _

I decide not to push him any farther and I exit my driveway, making the short and silent 5 minute drive to Evan’s house just a few blocks away. I see families walking and old ladies jogging with their dogs, everything outside of the car felt so …  _ normal _ . Like everything was meant to be in that place and then there was me and Evan, taking up too much space.

I pull up in front of his house

“See ya tomorrow?”

Evan simply looks at me, nods, and smiles before climbing out and making his way to the front door. I wait for a moment, making sure he can get in. Heidi stuck her head out the door and hugged Evan before waving toward me and giving me a smile. I continue to park the car and their driveway and I walk away, on the sidewalk.

“Jared!”

Heidi calls for me, I turn around quickly and smile

“Are you sure you don’t want dinner?”

I shake my head in response

“I’m fine, Heidi. I’ve got food at home, plus I had a pretty excessive amount of chips.” She chuckled and waved me away, smiling.

I grabbed my earbuds from my back pocket and started playing a playlist Evan had made for me.

Everything felt so normal, but I felt so out of place. My body felt to big, my legs were moving too slow, everything made sense but me. Maybe it was a side-effect from overthinking things, maybe it was a side-effect from getting too high sometimes.  _ God  _ I hadn’t been able to get high or anything for the past few weeks and it felt so weird being sober every weekend. 

I reach for my phone in my back pocket and look through the several odd group chats I was in. Most of which were made for party planning, drug dealing, or weird meme shitposts.

 

**To Muncheese**

**_Jared:_ ** Anybody doing anything fun this weekend? Or tonight?

 

I waited for a reply, watching people open and close the chat without saying anything

 

**_Jenna:_ ** I’ve got a bon(g)fire going on at my place friday night ;)

**_Jared:_ ** I don’t like that wink

 

I wait again, gradually getting nearer to my destination

 

**_Connor:_ ** I need something to do as well, and getting high sounds SOSOSO nice right now

 

I groan at the thought of having to party with Connor. He was the exact reason why I stopped going out...maybe he stopped going to parties as well

 

**_Rich:_ ** Okayokay, so both of you fall off the face of the earth??? And then come back to party???

**_Connor:_ ** Yeah, have a problem with it?

 

I see Rich’s ellipses flash on the screen and I consider jumping in and apologizing or something

 

**_Rich:_ ** Alright…

**_Jenna:_ ** So is that a yes? From all of you?

**_Jared:_ ** I’m down

 

I can tell Connor is hesitant. I wouldn’t hate to see him there, but he probably would hate seeing me...like everybody else

 

**_Connor:_ ** ya

 

I somehow find a smile on my face. I’ve reached my front door and I’m rustling through my pockets for the keys. Once I finally unlock the door there’s a new message from Connor

 

**To Jared**

**_Connor:_ ** I thought you were babying Evan this week or something -_-

 

I flop onto my couch and start typing a snide response, until I realize I don’t want Connor murdering me Friday night

 

**_Jared:_ ** I’m pretty sure he hates me so nah

**_Connor:_ ** Just like everybody else?

 

I fail to hold back a chuckle, but then I realize that he might  _ not  _ be joking

 

**_Jared:_ ** r00d

**_Connor:_ ** -_-

**_Jared:_ ** Plus,, I thought you wanted to hang out with Ev this weekend??

**_Connor:_ ** ya, and the party is friday night

**_Jared:_ ** YOU ARE NOT HANGING OUT WITH EV WHILE UR HUNGOVER!!!

**_Connor:_ ** Pshhh

**_Jared:_ ** I am not joking. You’ll say something stupid and then he’ll have a meltdown or he’ll stop talking to you, or all of the above

 

The ellipses return and I can’t help but fall deeper into the couch, still feeling to ‘out of place’.  _ God  _ I just wanted to get high.

 

**_Connor:_ ** I’m used to people not talking to me,,,

**_Jared:_ ** Edgy

 

He reads it, but he doesn’t reply.

 

**_Jared:_ ** Sorryy

**_Connor:_ ** yeah

 

I decide to leave it at that. There was nothing left to say.  _ GOD _ why did  I even say anything to begin with? 

I choose to ignore it and go back to working on the homework I had totally blown off. But the feeling of ‘out of place’-ness was too much to bear so I started my way down to the liquor cabinet.

“Hmmm, how much do I want to hurt tomorrow?” I said to myself, looking at the odd selections of bottles. My parents never drank and they were never around to notice the empty containers, liquor replaced with water. I grab the nearly empty bottle of vodka and a can of soda lying next to it, perfect.

 

\--

 

**_Connor:_ ** Did you need a ride to the party friday or anything?

 

I glance down at my phone

_ 2 am? _

What the hell, Connor

 

**_Jared:_ ** Maybe? Why tf are you texting me at 2 am?

**_Connor:_ ** Couldn’t sleep, so yes?

**_Jared:_ ** I said ‘maybe’ , idiot. I’ll get back to you tomorrow morning.

**_Jared:_ ** I’m busy

**_Connor:_ ** *drunk

**_Jared:_ ** exactly

**_Connor:_ ** Ugh, typical

**_Jared:_ ** And you just ‘couldn’t sleep’?

 

He doesn’t open it, or reply. I guess he just gave up on me, or passed out...hmm…I try and focus on going back to sleep but my heart is pounding too loud. At least I don’t feel out of place, well not as much.


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone order some Conman?

“You still drunk?” I teased, sitting down next to Jared in our art class. He groaned and took a sip of -maybe- coffee in his travel mug.

“Maybe a little buzzed.”

I sighed in annoyance. I hadn’t been able to do  _ anything  _ since my prescriptions weren’t being refilled till the end of the month and I had already sold most of my stash so I could buy other things that I  _ actually  _ needed. So I had chosen withdrawal pains. Migraines, Drowsiness, ultra depersonalization, and lets not forget never feeling hungry and therefore accidentally going days without eating. All fun…

“Connor, did you maybe wanna...move your stuff over for Evan?”

I glance over to Jared, Evan slouching next to him. He looked tired and...lifeless. His eyes were much too similar to mine. I move my stuff over and Evan sits down next to me, resting his head on the table

“Did you both get drunk of something?” I laugh, looking over to Jared who didn’t seem to find it funny

“Evan, do you need a ride home during lunch or anything?”

He shook his head no, rubbing his cheek  against the table.

“Do you need a ride home after school.”

He shook his head no again

“You’re just going to walk?” Jared said, in disbelief. Evan sat up and looked him in the eye. I couldn’t see his facial expression but I’m guessing it was ‘pissed off’. I decided not to ask questions. Maybe this was just an ‘Evan Hansen’ thing that happened once and awhile.

  


\--

  


“Is he…?” I asked, motioning towards Evan

“Not talking? Obviously.” He pushed himself off against the wall and went to go sit with Evan, who had opted to sitting outside, alone, on a bench for lunch. 

I could tell that Jared was asking Evan something and Evan was only shaking his head yes and no while taking small sips from his water bottle. After a few minutes Jared turned to me and motioned for me to join them.

“What?” I asked upon approaching them

“Can you please tell Ev that you’re not angry at him?”

“Ang- Evan, why would I be angry at you?” I scoffed, looking down at Evan. He shrugged and stared at the ground

“I honestly can’t even imagine ever being upset at you.”

He continued to stare at the ground, fiddling with the water bottle in his hands. Jared murmured something to Evan and guided me away, back to the wall where we previously were

  


“He doesn’t...sometimes he-” Jared started to explain

“Sometimes, after arguments or meltdowns or if something really triggers him he’ll...his brain gets all ‘messy’ and he stops talking. But he’s responding to questions so it probably wasn’t something that bad.”

“Was it something I said?” I asked nervously

“No, probably not. He might just be overthinking things or something.”

“Wow I relate.”

Jared chuckled and relaxed against the wall again, biting his sandwich. I stood there too, trying not to stare too much at Evan. I’m pretty sure he could feel my gaze though.

“Why did you wanna do something Friday?”

I asked, staring back at Jared

“I just needed to fuck up my brain, I guess.”

I stared back at him

“Withdrawls?”

“Something like that, I guess.” He took his last bite and averted his eyes from me, I guess I was staring too much

“I just feel...too big..? Like I’m-”

“Like you’re taking too much space, or something?”

“Yeah, why do you-”

“Depersonalization. Everything seems a bit unreal, especially myself.”

“Oh…”

“It might be because you’re so used to not being sober or something. Or you had it before or never noticed… I took some type or drug for it, can’t remember the name though. It never helped anyways so I’ve just been selling it.”

“Shouldn’t you be...I don’t know, not selling your actual meds? If I were you-”

“Don’t judge me Kleinman, you don’t know what’s going on in my head.”   
“Wow, real edgy, crackhead.”

I scoffed and started walking away

“Connor! Dude, I’m sorry.”

I turned around

“You didn’t come back when I was saying sorry, did you Kleinman?”

“I’m-”

“I don’t even know why I still hang around you. This dumb art project…”

I opened my mouth, thinking of another crude remark I could say. But then I noticed Evan staring, life looked like it came back into his eyes for a split-second until he turned away. I gave Jared a middle finger and continued walking away, heading to my car.

  


\--

  


Joy Division. Somehow I always found solace in blasting their songs while I sped down the road to the edge of town. It seems to work better than therapy and getting wasted, although paying gas still sucks. Zoe got me my first  _ personal  _ CD when I turned 12. It was ‘Unknown Pleasures’ and it was the best thing I’d ever heard. My mom even bought me a CD player so she’d stop hearing me play it on our stereo. Even my dad listened to it with me.

But now Zoe doesn’t talk to me, my mom is never home, and my dad is dead. So all I have left is a CD that I’ve never taken it out of my car since I got it.

Jared used to drive with me, we’d listen to The Smiths or Bowie or whatever obscure ‘pop’ music Jared was into sometimes, but it always ended with Joy Division playing while getting wasted at a park or someone’s house. Call me a hipster I don’t care. The music is noisy, it drones on, the lyrics are great, and I wouldn’t mind meeting the same fate as the lead singer...dead by 28.

  


**Flashback**

“You know, I used to think Joy Division was some hipster-grunge-punk crap, but your hipstery-grungey-punk ass has given me a real appreciation for this.”

“Yep, it totally beats your shitty 5- _ sauce _ or whatever you call it.”

“Hey, you like it and you know it.”

  


Jared and I are laying in Rich’s backyard. He just gave us some Ketamine and I’m pretty sure he also spiked the punch. But it’s fine, because Joy Division is playing from my phone and everyone else is asleep somewhere in the house.

  


“Some-sometimes I feel like that one kid...from the book about highschool…”

“Gotta be more specific than that, Con.”

“Y’know...the book was green and there was a movie with Emma Watson?”

“Harry Potter?”

“Not the magical one you dipshit!”

“The Perks Of Being A Wallflower?”

“Yeaaaahhhhh!”

Jared sighed

“You are such a fucking  _ hipster _ !”

  


He rolled over on his stomach and started rubbing under his shirt

“Are you okay over there?”

“Yeah just-” he sat up and ripped off his shirt “don’t look, just need to-” he sighed and threw something to his left

“Didn’t want bruising…”

I sat up after hearing Jared say something about the house moving

“I really shouldn’t have taken that robo…”

“You’re complaining about a robo trip? Is that even a real thing? And here I thought you were cool.”

“And here I thought-”

“Shh!”

“What?”

“ _ SHHHH!!!  _ Do you know what song is playing?”

Jared paused

“A bad one?”

I shoved him over

“It’s ISOLATION! Dance with me you nerd, it’s tradition!”

“Says who?”

“Says me!”

  


I grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the ground, leading him to the center of the yard. Our bare feet stumbling on the wet grass. He gave me a weird look, I couldn’t care less. I’m pretty sure my dance moves could be classified as ‘wet noodle’. But eventually he followed suit

“Wow we should be on dancing with the stars!”

“Don’t you have to be famous for that or something?”

“Shut up, Murphy. Let me enjoy our terrible, drug induced, dancing.”

And we danced, until Isolation bled into Heart and Soul. I sat back down on the grass, regaining my breath. Jared was checking his phone

“What’s up?” I asked

“Nothing, Heidi’s just texting me…”

“Heidi?”

“Evan’s mom…”

“It’s...super late though?”

Jared just hummed and continued typing on his screen. I decided to ignore it, humming along to the song. Even with Jared I can sometimes feel alone, I guess.

“Fuck, I need to be SOBER!” He groaned

“Why?”

“Heidi’s at work and she needs me to check on Evan because he’s been acting ‘odd’. But I’m pretty sure if I show up there shit-faced I’ll just make everything worse.”

“Why don’t you just...show up tomorrow morning?”

“Because he could do stupid shit…”   
“Oh...I get that…”

I felt almost obligated to check on the kid for him until I realized that even though I don’t feel as high, I probably am. So I lay back onto the grass and thought of ways I could help

“We could...just call him?”

“He doesn’t answer phone calls when he’s like this...it’s kinda pointless at this point..?”

“Where’s his dad?”

“Far-fucking-away from him, hopefully.  _ Jesus. _ fuck I might as well just show up there like this and just bring him food.”

“Need a ride?”

“Sure…”

  


We find ourselves driving with a bag of McDonalds heading over to the Hansen house. Jared keeps reassuring me that he can do it on his own and that I don’t have to go down, and I don’t protest. Once we reach the house Jared is basically darting down to the front door.

After about 10 minutes of waiting I get a text from Jared

  


**_Jared:_ ** I’m staying the night...you can go home now

  


A mix of disappointment and anxiety find its way in my mind 

  


**_Connor:_ ** Alright, hope things are better in the morning

I start up the car again, Decades playing almost full volume. The smell of fast food, smoke, and Jared still present in the car. I know I shouldn’t be bothered, but I can’t get that feeling of anger and fear from spreading across my chest.

  


I drive to the edge of town.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Some things may not make sense because I gave them all very different backgrounds than their original characters, if you need me to explain anything just comment below


End file.
